


I'm sorry that you saw me when I lost my way

by Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jace Wayland Is A Good Bro, Protective Jace Wayland, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 03:30:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14946761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness/pseuds/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness
Summary: Alec has a bad day, and is worried about what his family would do if they found out he has a crush on Magnus, but Jace is there to comfort him





	I'm sorry that you saw me when I lost my way

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this fic contains self harm, so please be careful. i actually am really pleased with this, and i might write a few more chapters that link in, a little like the five plus one i wrote the other day. i'm sorry about the weird title, i spent ages trying to think of one, but i couldn't find one that fits. this is a line from I Miss Those Days by Bleachers, because it's what i'm listening to while i post this.

Alec couldn’t believe he was doing this. He must have been out of his mind. For a start, it was just coming up to 3am, and he was on the roof of the institute, sleeves rolled up and a blade in his hand. He had already made seven slick cuts to his left arm, just below the crook of his elbow, and he was crying too much to do any more damage for the moment. Thick heavy sobs were being dragged from his throat, and he could barely breathe, his chest fluttering with the force of his tears.

 

He’d been having bad days for a while now, and he supposed that he should have known that this was coming. It had started with Clary’s arrival, and breaking all of the Clave’s rules. Alec didn’t always like the law, but if he didn’t stick to it, he felt like he was being flung out into space with nothing to save him. In short, Alec needed the safety of the Clave’s judgement so that he didn’t have to think too hard about his own short comings.

 

As soon as he had arrived back to his room after another hard mission, he started to feel the sluggish crawl under his skin that made him desperate to reach for a blade and curl up on the bathroom floor. He had tried his best to block out the itch with more training, but his body protested too much; his punches weren’t quite up to scratch and eventually things were too much.

 

Alec slammed his way out of the training room and made a detour past his bedroom on the way to the roof of the institute. He paused in the middle of the room, half way between the door and the desk draw that held his blades and plasters. Alec shut his eyes, listening to the busy city outside. He could stop this now, just get into bed, and not become more of a fuck up than he already was. But then he thought of the way Magnus had shamelessly flirted with him; of how it was the first time he didn’t feel alone and scared when he thought about kissing a boy. It was too much.  He _needed_ this; he needed something to focus on. He was across the room in moments, grabbing his most used blade and dragging himself to the roof. It was his sanctuary. Somehow, his head cleared a little when he was sat so high up, with the knowledge that he could pitch himself of the edge at a moment’s notice. He saved coming up here for his worst nights.

 

 

 

And now, Alec was on this anonymous roof top, where no one would find him. _Not that anyone would look for me anyway,_ he thought bitterly. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up, arm bleeding freely because he had forgotten to bring the fucking plasters. Suddenly, a reckless thought forced itself to the forefront of Alec’s mind. He acted quickly, before he could overthink the situation. Somehow, his phone was already dialling the number before the rest of his head caught up to what he was doing. He closed his eyes, focusing solely on the heavy throb of the seven deep cuts on his arm. In some strange way the pain calmed him enough that his sobs had slowed a little by the time Jace answered.

 

‘Alec, what the fuck? Do you know what time it is? Isn’t it past your bed time?’ Jace joked blearily.

 

_Shit shit shit shit shit._ Alec thought. ‘I – I’m so sorry to bother you Jace, especially this late.’ He breathed, his heart hammering so hard that he almost thought that it would leap out of his chest.

 

‘What’s wrong mate?’

 

Alec distinctly heard rustling, suggesting that Jace was already dragging himself out of bed. _As if I didn’t feel guilty enough,_ Alec thought, _Jace never gets enough sleep._ ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.’ He breathed.

 

‘I was already up,’ Jace lied. ‘What’s wrong, mate?’

 

There was a pregnant pause.

 

‘Alec? Please, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?’

 

‘Jace, I’m so fucking depressed.’

 

He heard his brother let out a slow breath on the other side of the line. ‘Okay, mate, I’m on my way.’

 

Alec froze. It suddenly hit him that if Jace saw him like this, he would probably stop being allowed on active duty, and he couldn’t let that happen. Not when it would mean he had brought more shame on his family. Work was the only thing he was good for. _Fuck._ ‘No!’ Even to his own ears, his voice sounded too loud and panicked. ‘No, Jace. Please – please don’t come.’

 

‘Alec. I’m on my way. You obviously phoned me for a reason, and you’re not getting out of this. Plus, we’re parabatai, I can feel that you’re not okay.’ There was a short pause and a sharp huff of breath before he spoke again. ‘I’m in your room, where are you?’

 

Alec screwed his eyes shut; his breathing coming in short pants as moved to hold his phone to his ear with his shoulder so as to free up his hands. They were shaking so much that he couldn’t roll down his sleeves, no matter how hard he tried. ‘The roof,’ he conceded between breaths.

 

Letting out a small frustrated noise from the back of his throat, Alec rose, hoping that maybe he could clean himself up before Jace arrived. The last thing he wanted was for his best friend to see him in such a state. ‘ _Fuck fuck fuck_ ,’ he whispered as he clawed at the fabric of his shirt.

 

‘You good, mate?’ Alec jumped. He had forgotten that he still had the phone pressed tightly to his ear.

 

‘Yep.’ He was well aware of the fact that he wasn’t convincing anyone.

 

‘I’m almost there. Alec what’s going on? My arm feels weird, are you hurt–’ Jace’s voice died in his throat, and Alec could hear his footsteps hurry up behind him. _Why did I have to call Jace? Nothing good can come of this,_ he scalded. ‘Oh.’ Jace said, but this time, the voice wasn’t coming through the phone, it was coming from the man himself. Alec couldn’t bear to turn around and face his parabatai. _God, I’m such a fucking failure._

 

‘Jace, I’m so sorry.’

 

‘Sorry for what exactly?’ Jace’s question seemed to be loaded. He was obviously expecting a certain answer, but for the life of him, Alec didn’t know the right thing to say.

 

‘For everything. For calling you up in the middle of the night, and for making you see this mess.’ He gestured vaguely to himself, despite the fact that – with his back still turned – his parabatai couldn’t see the full extent of the damage. ‘And for – for hurting myself again.’

 

There was a tense silence, in which Alec attempted and failed to get his breathing under control. ‘Okay.’ There was a heavy movement, in which Alec imagined Jace sitting down on the cold concrete roof of the building. ‘Mate, come and sit and we can talk this through, yeah?’

 

There was something hollow making itself apparent in Alec’s chest as he moved closer to his brother, making sure to keep his eyes anywhere but on Jace’s face. Despite this, he didn’t miss the way that Jace’s hand ghosted first over his parabatai rune, and then over his arm in the spot where Alec was now sporting seven bloody cuts. Sometimes Alec forgot that Jace would be able to feel if Alec hurt himself.

 

Jace held his hand out, eyes fixed sickeningly on Alec’s arm, ‘let me see.’ There didn’t seem to be any room for argument, so Alec obliged. Jace spent a long time examining the cuts, wiping away the worst of the blood with the sleeve of his shirt. ‘You’re fucking lucky that you didn’t bleed out, Alec. These look pretty close to some major blood vessels.’

 

Alec swallowed thickly, letting his head drop in shame.

 

‘What’s going on?’

 

Alec figured that he was already so deep in shit that the rest of this conversation couldn’t get any worse; he might as well go all in. ‘God, I wish I was dead.’ His voice seemed so much quieter than he intended it to, and Jace’s sharp intake of breath made him second guess his resolve.

 

‘You don’t mean that.’ He said, as if the conviction in his voice would make it true.

 

Alec let out a harsh chuckle that – even to his own ears – sounded too void of humour to really be called a laugh. ‘Maybe. I don’t know.’

 

Jace nodded. ‘Okay, well for now, let’s say that you don’t actively want to die because – _fuck Alec_ – because if you die part of me dies too. I need you too much for you to leave me like that.’ Alec didn’t know if he was glad or angry that Jace was willing to brush his passively suicidal statement back under the rug, but he was glad that he still wanted him around. He would do anything for his brother. ‘Let’s talk about the – the self harm first, and we can talk about that later. This seems a little more pressing.’ Jace tried to meet Alec’s eyes, a sad smile pushing at his lips.

 

‘Okay.’ Alec said at length, not really knowing where to begin.

 

‘How long has this been going on?’

 

‘This is the first time,’ Alec lied, suddenly feeling too self-conscious to tell the truth anymore.

 

‘Bullshit. I can see far too many scars on your arm, and a lot of them look old, mate. How long?’

 

Alec let out a long breath, ‘Four years. But I’ve been trying to stop. This is the first time I’ve done it in – _fuck_ – a month.’ The reality that he had relapsed again suddenly hit Alec like a train, and a few more silent tears slipped out. _As if this couldn’t get more embarrassing, I have to go and cry._ Jace pretended not to notice him crying, for which he was eternally grateful.

 

‘Okay,’ Jace said, his voice sounding dull with some sort of emotion that Alec couldn’t quite place. He glanced around, looking for anything to fiddle with – a nervous habit he had picked up while he was attempting to stop hurting himself. Somehow, keeping his hands busy helped. His fist closed around something cold, and his heart contracted with relief. ‘Well it’s good you’re trying to stop. Are you – _can you give me the blade please, Alec_?’

 

Alec froze, the urgency in Jace’s voice making him panic. ‘What?’

 

‘The blade. Can I have it please?’ Jace gestured towards Alec’s hands, and when he looked down, he realised that he had been playing with it between his fingers.

 

‘ _Oh, shit._ I – I didn’t notice.’ He said, still making no move to surrender it to his brother without first finding something else to hold. He cast his gaze around the rooftop, looking for anything else he could fiddle with while they talked.

 

Luckily for Alec, Jace always seemed to know exactly what he needed. ‘We can trade if you want?’ He reached for the ground next to his foot, coming back with a small stone. ‘I’d be more comfortable with you holding this.’ Alec reached greedily for the stone; it was smooth and round, and much more comforting to hold than the blade, which he dropped into Jace’s waiting hand as soon as his fingers closed around the stone.

 

‘Thanks,’ he mumbled, his cheeks flushing with the absurdity of the situation.

 

‘Alec, why are you doing this?’

 

‘The self harm?’ Alec clarified, ‘it’s not always for the same reason. But tonight, I just felt so _full_ of emotion, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I felt when I was talking to Magnus and I – sometimes, I just get so overwhelmed by everything, and I just need something to focus on. Pain is the easiest way to get my head to be quiet for a little while.’

 

Jace glanced at Alec, an unreadable expression on his face. ‘You like Magnus, don’t you?’

 

Alec shifted slightly, trying his best not to give anything away. ‘It was kind of him to help us.’

 

Jace bowed his head, nodding slightly, as if Alec’s words had somehow confirmed something for him. ‘Alec, I was asking if you liked him romantically.’

 

Alec flinched, a stricken look crossing his features for a fraction of a second before a mask of indifference was pulled up in its place. ‘What? No!’ his voice cracked a little, but he made a valiant effort to carry on regardless. ‘That’s not allowed, Jace. We both know that.’

 

His brother huffed a breath, barely managing to refrain from rolling his eyes. ‘Alec, we both also know that attraction isn’t a choice.’ He risked a glance at Alec, and what he saw broke his heart: his best friend had drawn his legs up, and curled his arms around them, his face was buried in his knees and he was shaking violently. Alec’s arm was still bleeding sluggishly, and – judging by the uneven rise and fall of his shoulders – he was doing his best to cry silently. ‘Mate, if you do like him – like any boys – you know there’s nothing wrong with that, right?’

 

Alec shook his head, face still buried in his knees. ‘I must be sick or something. Boys shouldn’t – but I can’t – I know it’s not allowed – I’ve _tried_ , Jace. I’ve tried so fucking hard but –’ At that moment, he started to sob again; deep, wet gasps that sounded like they physically hurt were wrenching themselves from him, making his whole body jump with each wild intake of breath.

 

‘Hey,’ Jace murmured, sliding closer to his best friend. ‘Hey, it’s alright. Mate, the Clave is wrong. Our parents are wrong. Anyone can see that.’

 

Alec shook his head violently, dragging his head up to look Jace in the eye, as if he could telepathically form an argument, given that his voice was otherwise indisposed thanks to his sobs.

 

‘No, Alec. I’m sorry. But one look at you and anyone who thought being gay is a choice would be able to tell that it wasn’t. I know we’ve never really talked about this before – and I’m so fucking sorry about that – but please believe that liking guys doesn’t make you wrong.’

 

‘I could lose _everything,_ Jace,’ Alec breathed.

 

‘No, Alec. Iz and I wouldn’t let that happen.’

 

‘The – the Clave, they could stop me from doing my job. Mum and Dad would kick me out – you’ve heard the way they talk. I – I would have nowhere to go. What if I – I can’t –’

 

Alec finally stopped blurting words when Jace put a hand on his shoulder. ‘Breathe, Alec, nothing bad is going to happen.’ He gave Jace a look that clearly said that he had no fucking clue what he was talking about. ‘Alec, did it feel wrong when Magnus was flirting with you?’ Alec didn’t think that he had ever heard Jace’s voice sound so quiet and soft.

 

‘No,’ he breathed. And then, after a beat, he continued, ‘it felt like – for the first time ever – I wasn’t alone. Because someone _finally_ understood, and they didn’t seem to think that it was a bad thing that I liked them. I’ve never felt so fucking relieved in my whole life.’ He paused, and when Jace didn’t immediately speak, he went on, voice getting quieter the longer he spoke. ‘I didn’t know that it was possible for anyone like us to feel like I did.’

 

Jace’s grip on Alec’s shoulder tightened considerably. ‘ _Alec,_ I’m so fucking sorry that you’ve had to feel like that. I can’t – I don’t know how you’ve managed to feel like that on your own for so long, but from now on, please let me help you.’

 

Alec shifted. ‘I don’t know, Jace, I don’t want you to feel like you have to look after me. Especially when I’m –’

 

‘Alec, if you say “sick” or “wrong” or whatever the fuck you were about to end that sentence with, I swear to god, I will end you.’ Alec let out a watery laugh, and Jace considered this a sizable victory. ‘You are none of those things, especially not because you’re gay. I know that this isn’t going to be an easy fix, but next time you feel like hurting yourself, or next time you worry about having a crush on someone, _please_ talk to me. I’m so fucking glad you phoned me tonight mate.’

 

Alec blushed again, ducking his head a little. This whole situation was both painfully humiliating, and exactly what he needed, and he couldn’t find the words to thank Jace. Instead, he just pulled his brother into a bone crushing hug, whispering as many _thank you_ ’s as he could into Jace’s skin.

 

‘Come on, let’s go inside and I’ll bandage those cuts for you.’ Jace said eventually, rising and offering Alec a hand to pull him to his feet.

 

 

Looking back, Alec still couldn’t quite believe the gentleness with which Jace had wrapped his arms, or the way that Jace had casually invited himself to sleep in Alec’s bed with him like they had when they were children. Somehow, Alec managed to still the guilt in his chest enough to believe that he wasn’t taking advantage of his brother by sleeping in the same bed as him. Alec felt like he had slipped into a parallel universe, where he was finally able to work on accepting himself. When he woke in the morning, he was curled around Jace, his head resting in the juncture where Jace’s neck met his collar bone. He had started, and tried to pull away, disgusted with himself for potentially making Jace uncomfortable. But strong arms had grabbed him quickly, pulling him back down to his original position, along with a murmured _it’s too early in the morning to go jumping around like that, Alec, go back to sleep._

 

They both knew that there was still a lot to talk about, still a lot for Alec to work through. But for now, sleep seemed like the best option, and so with the arms of his best friend wrapped tightly around him, Alec finally relaxed enough to go to doze again. Maybe having a crush on Magnus wasn’t so bad for him after all.


End file.
